Quite Time

When I start posting this entry to my blog, I just finished reading a book entitled Quite Time, by Johann S. Lee a Singaporean writer who based in London. That is a good piece from the writer and I'm still looking for the first 2 books of him.

It's not the book I want to share in this entry, but more about the essential of being gay. I guess people in society have tendency to judge gay people are sinner, practice free sex, fling and all those negative comments. I guess that's understandable if we would like to be honest with what we do and what we live on...it's no harm from a couple who put them 'in relationship' label but they are still seeing someone else and fucking around with other guys out there, for some gay people...this concept is understandable, but most people can't get the point of the relationship should be put in this way...once I asked my friend what the open relationship is? and what is the point you commit in a relationship but it's open? My friend draw a line...gay couple relationship is different with straight couple relationship, it's more complicated, need variation to spice up the sex life, as for this they alternate for open relationship which meant both of the couple could see other party to have some 'action', to release the lust for sex and to experience something different...I'm not going to judge whether it's right or wrong here, as for me...wrong things could be right in different condition, so...it's not an abosolute...but the bottom line is...could we expect the people out there accept this and do they think this is normal? I guess, it's a BIG NO...so, why should we get pissed off if those people have such negative image about gay people? That image live in the society for years. If we want to change the image, start it from own self...after all, image is not created in one night but it could be totally ruined in a minute...

Another thing I like from the book is the paternal-ship of gay man...gay men have their own children, adopted or surrogated...but, again...society is not an easy issue to deal with. We may say f*ck off to those people, but they are still there...The only way is to deal with them...

My Story [ goes on ]

Lately, or supposed the last few months...I feel life has been very hard to me. Lots of emotional problems I have to engage with, which are not really good ones. Started with problems with a colleague in the office, family issue and LOVE issue. These 3 issues have been giving me a lot of hard time. I feel so tired both physically and mentally. I don't know how to manage to release the tenses. I want to scream out loud right now!!! Not that I'm not grateful, but I don't know why I have to go through all these unpleasant issues all together. But then I realize these things make me grow...

Now, sitting in a coffee shop with a very close friend and three other 'strangers' who I just met this afternoon...I devote myself to find back my inner self to write on my blog again. Amidst the issues I'm having now...I feel like to talk about my emotion toward a guy...this particular guy has stolen my logic away. I met him online from a gay-dating website, we chatted and we went on a date unintentionally. 

I was the one who always put logic on the first place, but this time...since the very first second meeting him, I got the spark, the very strong one!  It just came so fast and I can't stop even for a single minute...It was so intense and I let my emotion go all the way without considering the risk I might got hurt...

PS. I left the story unfinished, I'm going to post all the detail about this guys in next postings. It's going to be a long story...either it's sad or happy ending :)

Tuesdays With Morrie

" The culture we have doesn't make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it! " - Morrie Schwatz

Recently, I'm reading a book entitled Tuesdays With Morrie, by Mitch Albom, the same author of The Five People You Meet in Heaven. I borrowed this book from a friend and I'm halfway of reading it. The book is about an old man, a young man and life's greatest lesson. The old man is the professor of the young man and they both admire each other. After the graduation, the young man move to NY, Florida and Detroit to pursue his career as a writer - for sport magazine, book and columns for sport articles in newspaper, doing radio shows and appearing regularly on TV.In instant he has his fame and live his busy life on the plane, moving from one city to another...

Back to his favorite professor, Morrie Schwatz. He is diagnosed with ALS [ amyotrophic lateral sclerosis ], an unforgiving illness of neurological system and he is dying of the illness. For further information about ALS, simply click here.

After years, they both meet up by chance and then the student learn from his old professor.

The last class of my old professor's life took place once a week in his house, by a window in the study where he could watch small hibiscus plant shed its pink leaves. The class met on Tuesdays. It began after breakfast. The subject was The Meaning of Life. It was taught from experience.

No grades were given, but there were oral exams each week. You were expected to respond to questions, and you were expected to pose questions of your own.

No books were required, yet many topics were covered, including love, work, community, family, aging, forgiveness, and, finally, death. The last lecture was brief, only a few words.

I copy above from preface of the book. I would say, the book is very inspiring. Even though Morrie knows he is going to die soon, he still keeps thinking positive and give back all the value of live to his friends and community. He inspires people and encourage them to stand up for their own life. Don't go with the flow, otherwise you'll drown! If you think that's not for you, don't buy it! I can't disagree with what has Morrie taught. You are your own director, author and creator of your life, decide what you want, project it and live it on...

So, have you lived a life as what you wanted? It's time to be true to yourself...

State of Mind

Do you believe the power of mind? I believe, I do believe...Since I was a little boy...I had big dreams which you may think it's impossible to achieve considering my condition at that time, but now, I can tell...I achieve most of things I want so bad in my life...is it luck? No, It is not. Luck contributes only 1% of your achievement, the rest are effort and what drive you to put 100% on your effort to achieve your goal...it's your mind! So trust yourself and convince yourself  about the value you live on...that will lead you to achieve what you want in your life...

This may sound silly to some people, but It happened to me a few years back...when I and my friends were in the boat from Turtle Island to Pattaya...we met an Indo-Chinese family and guess what the daughter asked me? Are you on vacation with your class mates? Which Uni do you study at? Heh? Am I looked like the cutie-innocent college boy? O gosh...I was speechless...Thank you my girl! I know I look cute! *grinning*

The other time, an ex-class mate in high school who I never met since the day we graduated [ means about 13 years ago ] asked me recently on facebook. You still look like the last day I met you in those white-grey uniform, what is your secret? Thank you my dear! I know I look cute! *grinning, again*

Ok...I'll share my secret to you guys...I don't know whether this is true or just my lunatic thought...the thing is I never bother about my age. Whenever somebody ask me my age, I always replied the year I was born, I never tell them my age and I stop counting my age since my 24th b'day [ which means, practically I'm 24 hahahaha... ]. So it's just a state of mind, isn't it? If you think you are young, you look like what you think of...

Another amusing thought is...I keep telling myself I look good and gorgeous no matter what people say. It happened to me one time, I chatted online with a guy and he asked what do I look like? am I cute? He wants to know because he told me he is handsome and he is only interested with cute/handsome guy. Hello??? What do you think dude? Of course I'm cute and gorgeous! He asked for my face pic, then I sent to him...I asked his in return but I just got his faceless picture and a complaint...you are not handsome! Heh? WTF?! I told him...handsome, cute, gorgeous, sexy, hot and whatsoever are adjective...There's no absolute value for adjective and it has different standard from one compare to another...it's only about a state of mind...If you keep thinking you are cute, then you are cute...that it is! I told him...thank you for the honest, but still...I think I'm cute...at least I still dare to show my face to you even though you think vice versa, coward! At the end of the chat, he offered me his face pic which then refused by me.

It's not narcism [ perhaps it's a sub genus of narcism hehehe], but it does help me to build my confidence regardless all my flaws...I meant it...

I'M GORGEOUS AND YOUNG! ANYONE INTERESTED? STEP UP AND QUEUE! :)

I Never Exclude People [ I Known ]

I just came back from a dinner with friends...I'm super duper full now and thus I can't sleep...rather than doing nothing and being not able to close my eyes and rest my mind, I decide to post this entry.

I haven't seen them for more than a week, busy was the right excuse, I guess and who would blame the business anyway? Point is taken then :)

It was 3 of us...I meet them quite recently and I just click with them both even though I sometime feel annoyed by their mood-swing syndrome [ guys, sorry to tell... ]...we used to be very loud whenever we met but tonight was different. I don't know what's wrong because as long as my rusty memory serves me right, I don't have any issue with them both [ or perhaps I'm too ignorance and insensitive to sense my mistake ]. It was the quite night-out ever...

On the way driving me back home, my friend [ the other friend was dropped back first ] and I had a chatting:

My friend : "Why I can make friend with people without any issue while some other just can't" and he took his mon ami petit as an example *I have a strong believe he addressed the question to me by a reason*

Me : "People are born with different character and perhaps you just have yet to meet the one with the character that doesn't click to you. It may be just a coincidence you now have no issue with your friends who apparently are mine as well. I personally never exclude people I known" as I replied

My friend : "How about if you are excluded by people you known?"

Me : "I'm fine...that's his/her problem to exclude me, that's his/her call. I can't stop them."

*I hope...everything is just fine, fingers crossed*

Spiritual Confession

Religion, is one of bunch of very personal issue which I think it shouldn't be asked by any reason. I don't know why, in Indonesia, we have to provide the information whenever you fill any official forms, like : application letter, ID card, etc...which I think it doesn't have any logical reason to put such information or could anyone figure out what the purpose is?

I feel so lucky to be born in a liberal family, my parents never persuade us to do anything by their own ambitions...Religion was never been talked in my house...As a kid, I didn't have any particular religious experience or should I say I never known what is religion before my parents enrolled me to the Catholic school. What I understood in my childhood, all were just traditions...I never have a strong root referring to religious stuffs [ even though my parents practice confucianism ]. Being a full-of-curiosity kid, I've learnt about Buddhism for a short period. It was started very simple, I was persuaded by a friend to go the temple to learn Mandarin [ oh yea...I love learning foreign language ] and by the chance the missionaries started teaching Buddhism during the Mandarin class. That's the first time I learn about particular religion, I was 10 that time.

Since I was facilitated to study in a Catholic school since primary, I get used with all the Catholic values - which I later be baptized with a given name which I still carry until today. I used to be very active in the church - was an Altar Boy, an Choir Boy and Legio Mariae. These past few years, after a series of social conflicts that happened both in the country [ Poso, Palu, Situbondo, ... ] and other countries [ Gaza, Bosnia, ... ]. I then questioned myself, if religions teach us all the good things, then why people still kill each others in the name of their own GOD? Why 2 lovers who are madly in love have to split up because they both have different religion or why should one of them has to convert his/her religion to follow the partner's just because they want to tie the knot in a marriage? Religion is very personal, isn't it? Then why people turn it to be like a commodity which you can buy or exchange for certain reason? I can not understand and I think I never will...

These day, I try to see religion in different facet and I live on my own value of spiritual...I may stop going to church, but still, I believe in GOD in whatever manifestation. I try to take off the attribute of particular religion but I never disagree with all the good values that taught in all religions...I'm going to be like a sponge, to absorb all the good values in religions...

I hope someday, all man kind in the world will live in harmony regardless all the differences...put down own ego and see the world from the point of others. May peace be on the world. Namaste...

I Won

This post was written a few months back...I just simply copy it to this blog by particular reason. It reflected the very honest moment in my life...here is just my 2 cents:

It always takes 2 to Tango, doesn't it?

The phrase is valid in all aspects in life. For instance, demand meets supply, then creates out price in the market. So does LOVE. It also takes demand and supply, the point where demand line cuts supply line, that's relationship [ I'm so good, ain't I? Heh? :) ], but it's not just that simple.

As it's considered a feeling thingy, the common formula doesn't work out, at least to me. I need LOVE [ who doesn't anyway? ] like everybody does. I had chances [ but alas I just wasted it all ] to get my LOVE, but I wasn't eager to confess and tell [ him ]. I was more concern my pride, feeling of being rejected, playing a "ladylike" role. At the end, I never had it...I lost all the chances...

Once, I had discussion over this thing with a friend of mine. I always remember one thing he told me and made me "awake" from my long sleep. I don't remember his quote precisely, but the bottom line was : "You need LOVE and you have to find it by yourself. Whenever you feel it, just be honest to yourself and eager to tell [ him ] or forever hold in regret."

And...

Then I met this guy, who I feel very comfy with [ who I think he might also have feeling towards me ? ]. At first, I guess it might only lust, but later on I realize I was wrong. No lust involve in my feeling, it's pure "I like him" [ if only "LOVE" is too soon to tell ].

This time, I come clean and tell [ him ] what I feel...be it a happy ending? or be it turns out a rejection? I don't know...

No matter what it will be, I feel relieve, I feel like a winner coz I've been being true and honest to myself.

I have no regret! 

Do You Believe in Partnership?

What is the first thing come across your head whenever you see two men do groceries together? "They are couple!" I bet that's the response that everyone would pop out.

About a week ago, I went to hit the gym...did the body combat for the first time, it was fun and interesting though but I was like dying after the class...It was 9 tracks and each track you just have to pull out all the energy to follow the movements : kick, jump, jab, upper cut or combination of those movements...tiring? yes, I felt like I've done 10K marathon after the class. For the people who never join the class [ like me ], body combat is an exercise that combines the movement of martial arts : muai thai and kick boxing. Even though it was tough for a first timer like me, I did enjoy the exercise very much...indeed, I felt so good after the exercise!

That's not what I want to write in this post...It's more about the first two lines...After the gym session, I accompanied a friend to do some groceries. At the section of fresh foods, we bumped onto 2 men walking to the same section, they both were just lovely and framed a picture perfect of couple-hood and at a glance, my friend looked at me and told me "they are couple!" I know and I could tell straight away they are couple, the gesture and the 'bond' of them both may be invisible, but I just can sense it and at a minute I envy them to have such lovely moment together. The longer I look at them, the more I convince myself about the existence of gay-men partnership. Even though it sounds like a fairy tale to most people, but I still believe there're such guys out share the same belief like I do.

Ps. I should thank to the couple for showing and convincing me the value I live on at the stage.

A Birthday Wish to A Friend!

It's 11.26 pm...in 34 minutes, you'll be a day older than today, your birthday...I may be not a good friend for you, nor the one who is always stand by your side or the one who is there for you when you need someone to hear you or the one who isn't there on your birthday...I may be very harsh, cynical, or worst ignorance...but I guess I still dare to wish you a very Happy Birthday...Hope you'll be guided in any paths in your life, blessed in many ways and leaded to find your happiness...

Hope you'll find the way to destroy your fear of full of uncertainty coming days...hope you'll find your way to overcome the dreams you told me the other day...hope you to have found the one, the one who could calm you down, the one who you'll settle down with together, the one who love you unconditionally, the one who will not let you worry about your future life...Happy Birthday my dear! You are not a year older, but you just gained another year of experience instead!

 

Ps. I founded this little poem on the internet, I think it reflects the friendship we are trying to build, I hope you don't disagree with me this time!

Could You Remain a Friend With Your Ex?

Ex…is a special person who has been closed to you in the past but now you both are walking to opposite direction by any reason. People change, so does love or I would say a relationship. Nothing is fix, nothing is permanent and nothing could stand still. The only thing that is fix is the change itself. The change lead us to different path in our journey, a new chapter that gives us different element in life. 

Everything in the universe evolute as time flies, love or relationship is one of the element that evolutes time after time...It won't be vanish, but it keep transforming from one to another form, so ideally, a relationship should be remain as it was after the break-up, but things hardly or just never go in ideal way...So I raise up this question. Could you remain a friend with your ex? For some people, it's just a piece of cake which I think that's the way we suppose to take...but I believe most of us don't take it as easy as it's spoken and most of us keep blaming on each other fault and let the hatred take over the good side within ourselves. 

If you ask me such question, I can’t tell you at the moment. But I guess I could but it’s a bit awkward...After all, I think why should we make more enemies instead of friends? I can see a bright side from a break-up...at least we gain one more friend who know ourself better than common friend we have, a friend who can tell you which is right or wrong, a friend who can lead you out from shade of gray...a friend who is totally understand who you are...I have no issue of remaining a friend with ex-es...How about you?

Christmas

This post was written a few months back...So, it may looks like irrelevant with current timing, but still, I want to post it for no particular reason...

This is a brand new chapter in life, starting own blog and it’s time to improve writing skill, pull out things that are buzzing in your head and visualize everything into words. Interesting? I bet so…

Christmas, today it is the day…a day where every Christians are celebrating a new born king, the Savior, Jesus Christ. Even though I am a Christian, I don’t really celebrate this special day. Born in a Chinese family, I was raised up without particular religion roots, but my parents always teach me ‘yin guo’ principle. They believe you will gain by what your doing now. If you want something good happen to you, you have to do something good too. I grew up with a strong belief in this.  As most Chinese boys in my hometown, I was sent to a Catholic school for 13 years, learning about Catholic for 13 years and then I was baptized as a Christian. I might be not very religious, but I still believe in what my parent taught me since I was a little kid and I also believe in GOD whatever THY manifestation.  

Christmas is just like another day to me, but of course it’s in different mood because of the Christmas visualizations in shopping malls, Christmas carols and hedonism of urban citizens, included myself. People are more into the Christmas celebrations in term of party and consumerism, instead of essential of the Christmas itself.

The night before, I went to Christmas-eve mass. The church was packed by urban-ians from every corner in town, dressed the best to celebrate the Christmas. I was surprise with the crowd, but just in a blink…things turn out ironically. People were busy with their own…blackberried, messaged and chatted or even targeted on some eye candies. They all missed the essential of the celebration itself... After all, it left a thought in me, do people these days still know the essential of Christmas or are they invented by the hedonism and consumerism of Christmas?

Have yourself a splendid and joyous Christmas…real or fake, you choose.

Men on My Perspective

After a full week break of gym routine, yesterday...I wipe up my butt and drag myself to go hit the gym for the first time. It wasn't that bad...I did cardio and swam.

It feels good to get back to the routine after a while...I believe everyone experience the same thing like I do. People tend to stick with the one we use to do or we love, like I use to like Indomie Kaldu Ayam [ brand of instant noodle ]...There's very wide range selection of various brand in the market, I may switch to another brand or flavour every now and then, but I will always stick back to the only one I love. Just like the gym routine, my devotion to Indomie Kaldu Ayam, I'm sure the same thing reflect on all aspect in life...We need to give us a break from the routine, get away a while and that will let us to ponder and find the way back to our path, to the place where we belong to.

I believe a relationship share the same value as well as above. A friend just shared her personal life to me couple days back...She found out her husband cheated on her and she was very upset and want to divorce, but on the other hand, her husband [ he is my friend too ] still wants her back. I can't tell whose fault it was because I couldn't be objective since I just heard from one side...But I believe, a relationship takes 2 persons' effort to work out. If it fails, couldn't it be only one's fault...This is not what I want to draw a line...but it's more about my point of view about a relationship...I always believe, men are not manogamous material...men are less sensitive than woman...men are easier to seduce...these points could lead them to make a mishap in their marriage...Could it be they just want to break from the routine and try something different...at the end of time, they will definately come back to home, where they belong to...It may sounds egoistic and unfair to women...but it's just a nature of men...Sorry if I may offend some people out there, it's only my perspective...don't the differences make us rich in harmony? :)

Hedonism

Hedonism, according to Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary is a noun that means the belief that pleasure is the most important thing in life. The more I try to figure out the meaning of this word, the more I find it reflects me a lot. Born in a small town and spent three-forth of my lifetime in the town…there’re not much entertainment you could get in a small town and my parents never spoiled their kids with this things. I still remember, comic/novel, CD or movies were kind like a luxurious thing I could have in my childhood. Luxurious because I couldn’t have it anytime I want it. I got it as a return of good marks in school, that means I could only have a new comic/novel 3 time a year…tough or boring? That’s your call…

Now, when I can have money on my own, I start buying things that could please me…started from simple thing: novels, CDs, movie and lately I’m addicted to designer jeans and shoes… Sometime I question myself, do I really need so many pair of shoes while even one could last for years? Am I abusing myself with these luxurious things? I don’t know, but I’m sure I love good things as long as I can afford. Once my friend said to me: beauty has its price…is that true? I don’t know, but I’m sure you could tell the difference of my context about luxurious things, in my childhood and now…am I considered hedonist? I guess I am…I always love pampering myself with good things and pleasures…how about you? Above are my new pair of shoes...It's Tod's!

Me Versus Me

Among my class mates in school...I were not the the cutest one, not the hottest one, nor even the smartest in the group. I were just the boy next door, an ordinary boy who didn't have much friends, rather passive and introvert. I just don't have any stunning quality to stand up among my friends, nor among my siblings. I were just like an invisible boy...a boy whose existence were never noticed...

Born as the youngest of seven...you may think I'm showered with all attentions and spoiled. I'm sorry to let you down...I weren't that kind of kid...I would rather say I were lack of affection, I didn't have any role model that I could follow and I tried so hard to stand up...to be noticed my existence, to be remembered and to be affectioned...I just never share the attention, I never understand what the love is, I'm indifference, I'm ignorance and I'm cynical...

I struggle to find my inner self, to search for my love, to look for affection and to be noticed...Now, I'm crawling from my gloomy days...calm, still, bold and strong...I am ME!

Random Narcism

Ps. Pic was just taken by a lovely friend

photo credit by ACS

Breakthrough

Writing is fun, at least for some people...but for some others...it's quite troublesome and am one of those ones who always think writing is delicated...
I myself more enjoy reading rather than writing...I love reading books since I were a child but never have ability to write a story, even the simpliest one...
I follow some blog this day and I always envy people who got the talent to pull out the story and put it into words, make such beautiful arrangement in phrases, thus people are able to catch the things that the writers are going to tell...I really envy those people!
Eversince I create my blog, I never post any entry...but now...I'll give it a shoot and I label it a 'breakthrough' !

I believe this is too short to make a breakthrough, but still...it's a start! Even a big journey starts from a single step...Anyone agree?